An Untitled Story
by windwhisprer
Summary: [oneshot 39] Goku thought he could save Sanzo. Thought he could save his sun from spiraling into insanity and grief. But in horror Goku realized that Sanzo was only dragging him into the pits of depression and dysphoria. And he found himself liking it...


**A/N: **Hello everyone. Welcome to another fic written by me. I have to warn you now, **THIS WILL BE DARK. **No fluffy happy stuff here. This is very dark, and may disturb you. If you are in any way upset by what I've written. TOO BAD! I warned you.

**Warnings:** Yaoi boyxboy love. Suicide. Cutting/self-mutilation. Character death.

Don't like? Don't read. And certainly don't flame me because you don't like it.

Anyway, onto the story. **  
**

**An Untitled Story**

Nobody noticed the day Sanzo stopped fighting.

Not outwardly. In battle, Sanzo still pulled the hammer back on his gun, pulling the trigger and sending the bullet straight between the eyes of an enemy. He continued to fight the oncoming assassins, if not with a little more brutality then before. Nobody noticed though. They all passed it off that the young monk needed to blow off some steam.

No, what Sanzo stopped fighting wasn't demons or attackers.

He stopped fighting himself. Stopped fighting that depressive state of mind that had haunted him since the night he witnessed his master's death over eleven years before. He'd been fighting it for far too long. He was tired.

That night, he gave up. He stopped trying to convince himself that everything was going to be okay. Stopped believing that one day his state of mind would return to what it used to be as a child; angry, but none the less content with his life. It seemed like he would never reach that now. His mind was broken, shattered. And with it he lost any sort of sanity he'd clung to over the last decade.

This had happened once before. When he was a teenager, no more then sixteen. He'd completely lost his sense of belonging. He lost the will to fight. He found himself wishing for death to come to him. But that was when the insistent pounding began, and never truly left him. That was when he made his way up towards the mountain, and found Goku.

A lost, pathetic child trapped behind bars made by the gods themselves. Goku's bright, happy demeanor had pulled him out of his depressive state, gave him a reason to keep living.

Goku had saved him, just as he had saved Goku.

But there was no saving himself that night, as he stared out the open window. He was tired. So very tired. He just wanted to close his eyes, and never open them again. Fighting against his depression for so long had worn him out. So Sanzo closed his eyes. When he opened them a few seconds later, his eyes were duller. Calmer. He'd stopped fighting. In an instant he'd let go, and he'd never felt better because of it.

Lazily, his eyes trailed over towards his gun. Not yet, he told himself, rising from his spot at the window to head towards the bathroom. He had the room to himself, so there was no need to try and shy away from a companion. Tonight, he could do as he pleased, and not worry about the repercussions.

He headed into the bathroom, feeling as though he was not controlling his movements. As though his depression, long since held back, was now telling him what to do, and his body was responding. Reaching over, he pulled a nearby razor from its holder, looking over the blades with a certain curiosity. He then pushed the blade to his wrist, and in a swift movement, cut.

He winced at the sudden pain, but was surprised when it went away almost instantly. He stared at the blood pooling from his wrist, hitting the sink with a small splat. Sanzo's eyes widened and he glanced back towards the door, as if his companions would hear the splatter of blood, and come running. He stood for two solid minutes, his breath coming in shaky and uneven, watching the door.

When no one burst through, he turned back to his arm, watching as the blood trickled down his wrist, and then into the sink. The blood disappeared down the drain, the evidence of his crime lost forever.

He put the blade to his skin again, dragging it slowly this time, enjoying the pain that shot up through his arm, and then spread over the rest of his body like a film of dirt.

He stopped when seven cuts laid out before them, surprised at the message he'd subconsciously carved into his arm.

S I N N E R.

He gazed at the bloody letters, tracing them with his eyes over and over until their meaning burned into the back of his eyelids. Hissing at the pain, he pulled open the cabinet, rummaging for bandages before finally finding them. Carefully, he wrapped it arm, before bringing it up to his chest. He could feel the dull throbbing where he gripped his forearm lightly.

Silently, he retreated back to bed, not even bothering to clean his blood from the sink.

He fell asleep the instant he hit the mattress. He'd finally given up, and he'd never felt more relaxed because of it.

Days passed slowly. Each night Sanzo ordered a private room, and quietly mutilated himself. The pain was a release; a release he never thought existed. At time he even found himself moaning at the pain as it rang through him, not at all bothered by it, but finding the pain slightly pleasurable. He didn't care that he was enjoying this. Why shouldn't he? His clouded mind gave him the answers he needed as he dragged his blade across his wrist again. He'd even picked up a little trinket in town the other day, a small, sharp knife he could keep concealed at any point, but use when needed. During long trips in the jeep, Sanzo found himself fingering the knife, waiting for the perfect moment to pull it out.

It was only a week into the mutilation that Sanzo was forced to share a room. The inn only had two rooms left, which meant he would have to put off his cutting for one night. Gojyo and Goku had argued about sleeping in the same room, but in all the decision was up to him. Critically, he analyzed each member of the group.

Hakkai was easily out. The man would notice something was wrong instantly, and it wasn't like he hadn't been looking at Sanzo strangely for the past week. Gojyo was definitely out. He was not sleeping in the same room with the redhead, and to add to that the man's naturally kind nature would be the end of him. So the answer was obvious.

Taking his key, he turned and headed for the stairs. "C'mon monkey." He muttered, heading towards the room.

Goku smiled, happily trailing after him.

They met for dinner late that night. Sanzo was normally a good liar, and had been throughout the entire week. But for some reason, he didn't feel the need to act that night, and it showed. He stared off, not interacting in any way, barely eating. He didn't even react when Gojyo and Goku had launched themselves into another argument. It actually broke off, waiting for Sanzo to punish them. When the monk said nothing, the pair sat down, one grumbling, the other staring. No one said anything further that night.

Sanzo had excused himself early that evening.

He retired up to bed, staring up at the ceiling. Goku had come back only an hour later, settling himself into bed. Changing into his usual night attire, he settled beneath the covers. Sanzo watched him in the darkness, listened as the boy muttered a soft, "Goodnight Sanzo," before drifting off to sleep.

Sanzo waited, staring up at the ceiling for another two hours. He waited until he was positive Goku absolutely asleep. Silently, he rolled out of bed, unable to keep himself from the bathroom that was calling him. Rising to his feet he slipped into the room, making sure to lock the door behind him.

He pulled the knife from his hiding place, and peeled the black sleeve from his arm. Cuts ran all along his arm. Some new, some not. Some long and thin, others short and puckered. They all carved around the word Sinner that had been carved into his forearm the first night. He placed the blade to his skin, and began cutting again.

It must've only been a half hour later that he finished. He cleaned up the sink, washing any trace of blood from the area, wrapped up his arm, covered it with his sleeve, and retired to bed.

He headed across the room, taking a seat on his bed. He was about to roll over, when he heard Goku groan. "Sanzo?" the boy muttered groggily. "What's… goin' on?"

"Nothing Goku," Sanzo said sharply. "Go to bed."

Goku sat up instead of lying down, eyes wide and luminous in the dim light. Suddenly, all traces of drowsiness were gone. "Sanzo? Did something happen?"

Frowning, Sanzo said, "No. Now go to sleep."

"No, I can't," Goku said breathlessly. "I smell blood. Your blood. What happened?"

Sanzo cursed his carelessness. He should've known Goku would be able to smell the fresh blood almost instantly; still, he masked his face with indifference. "I slipped and cut my hand in the bathroom. Go to bed."

Goku leaped across the room fast then he could move, ripping up his glove and tearing away at the bandages. For some reason, he didn't stop the young man, watched as he tore away at his mask and saw his deep raw secret that was still raw and bleeding. Goku fell back on his heels, staring at his arm with a look of pure hopelessness. As those eyes clouded, Sanzo realized that Goku knew all along. He could probably smell Sanzo's blood faintly, but said nothing about it.

After a few moments, he turned to look back up at him, swallowing a lump in his throat. "Sanzo…" he said breathlessly. "We have to tell Hakkai. We have to get you help."

"No," Sanzo said, pulling his sleeve back down to cover his wrist, hissing as the leather scraped over his slashed wrists. "… You're not. You're going to go back to sleep, and not say a word."

"Sanzo!" Goku cried, unable to hide the pain in his voice. "I can't just leave you like this! It's… it's not right. I just… can't…"

Unable to listen to him any longer, Sanzo leaned in, capturing Goku's lips in an intense kiss. Goku sat frozen for a moment, unable to do anything but sit, and stare. Sanzo took advantage of this momentary stun and bit the young man's lower lip, inwardly grinning as Goku opened his mouth, and surrendered to the kiss.

Goku's hands found their way to his chest some time during their kiss, probably to push him away. Instead they simply clung to his shirt, pulling him closer to intensify the kiss.

Sanzo chose that moment to break away, hovering millimeters above the young boy's lips. He gazed into hazy golden eyes, half lidded with lust and longing. He hadn't been blind to the boy's crush, and was thankful for it. For now, he was able to use it to his advantage. "Do you love me?" he whispered against his mouth, a ghost of a kiss following.

"Y…yes…" Goku whispered, leaning in to try and recapture the moment. Sanzo allowed him a small teasing kiss, before pulling back instantly.

"Then, if you love me, you won't tell."

Goku paused, caught in indecision. His brow furrowed, before Sanzo completely blanked out his mind with an earth-shattering kiss. He pushed the boy to the ground, completely dominating him. And Goku surrendered to his dominance. Sanzo moved his kisses from the boy's mouth, to his neck, and ear, suddenly kissing everywhere except the mouth that desired to be kissed again.

Sanzo pulled the boy's shirt from his chest, throwing it somewhere in the room, kissing him tauntingly on the corner of his lips before moving down to tease and torment in his chest. The boy was moaning and wiggling, desire heated through his veins. He so desired release. Something Sanzo wasn't going to give him just yet.

He moved up, hovering just above the boy's mouth once again. Goku waited in anticipation for the kiss when a sudden stroke caused him to groan. He threw his head back, allowing Sanzo to kiss his exposed throat, before stroking him again. Goku arched up to him, moaning in disapproval when he felt Sanzo's hand leave him. "S-Sanzo…" he whispered. "Please…"

The man taunted him on the side of the mouth. "Promise me." Sanzo replied, knowing that Goku would keep his word.

"I promise," Goku whispered breathlessly. Sanzo leaned down, kissing him on the mouth, granting him release.

---

Two weeks rolled by, and Goku had said nothing. If anything else, the realization had brought them closer together. Not just physically—as sex had become a sudden common thing between them—but emotionally. They could sit up and talk for endless hours. At first, Goku had been reluctant to talk about Sanzo's self-destructive behavior. But soon he was talking about it as if nothing had happened. He talked as casually as if they were simply choosing what to have for breakfast.

Sanzo found himself spilling most of his thoughts to Goku. It was like a strange release that was soothing and eerie at the same time. He found himself admitting that he would like to take his own life soon. One day. Instead of hearing a yell of protest, Goku stayed quiet, thinking over the possibility before nodding.

"When would you do it then?" he asked.

Sanzo sat thoughtful for a moment. "Sometime after we reach the west. After I do this one thing, I can die, without leaving any baggage behind."

Goku nodded. "Sounds like a good time."

Sanzo and Goku had shared a room constantly. Every time when Sanzo got up to mutilate himself, Goku seemed uncertain, but allowed the man to do as he pleased.

It was over three weeks later when Sanzo noticed something was wrong. He'd been drinking with Gojyo that night, Goku and Hakkai had retired early. After retiring, he entered the room he shared with the boy, surprised to find the lights out and the room smelling of blood. Suddenly shocked, he flipped on the light.

The small table had been overturned, leaving a mess everywhere. Clothes, ashtrays, newspapers—everything was scattered around the room. Goku was seated on the bed; the small knife Sanzo had always kept on him was clasped in his right hand, his left wrist bleeding heavily. The floor was stained with his blood, not just where he was, but in the washroom as well and scattered around the room where Sanzo could only assume he had stumbled about in shock.

Goku looked up at him, his eyes dilated and his skin deathly pale. He'd lost a lot of blood. The boy was trembling.

And he was smiling.

He let out a soft, boyish laugh. "Look Sanzo, isn't it pretty?" he whispered breathlessly. "It's just like you said… it doesn't hurt. And it's so… so pretty…"

He continued to tremble as the knife slipped through his hand, falling to the floor with a clatter. His trembling was no longer caused by blood loss, but the sobs that were escalating through his throat. Tears rolled down his face, almost as fast as the blood running down his arm. "Sanzo…" he whispered, clearly a cry for help.

Sanzo forced himself to move then, a little numbed by the alcohol. He bent down in front of the man, mesmerized by his blood. He'd seen the boy bleed before, if he was injured in battle, but never had it looked so beautiful, cascading down his arm. Finally the man turned his eyes up to meet his golden gaze. He felt as though he was looking in a mirror, for Goku's pain reflected his own.

He leaned up wordlessly, kissing the young man tenderly. After a few moments, he broke the comforting kiss, clamping his hand over the boy's wrist. He was only mildly amused by the flash of pain that crossed his eyes and the hiss that sounded. Sanzo liked it, and knew Goku liked it too. "C'mon," he said softly. "Before you bleed to death."

Goku smiled, gladly lead into the bathroom by the blonde. He was seated on the toilet as the blonde moved to gather bandages. He then slowly began wrapping up Goku's wrists, making sure to kiss each cut before it was covered by the white bandages. He could only smirk at the looks of pleasure and pain that crossed Goku's face. Finally, after his wrists had been completely covered, Sanzo leaned up and gave Goku a long taunting kiss. He pulled away when Goku was unresponsive, unsurprised to have the boy suddenly collapse in his arms.

Kissing his temple softly, Sanzo rose to his feet, gathering Goku up in his arms before turning and heading towards his bed.

---

Sanzo had a hard time convincing Hakkai and Gojyo to wait another day before heading out. It wasn't as though they didn't want another day off, but they were surprised by the sudden declaration at breakfast that morning. Normally Sanzo couldn't stay in one place too long, always cursing and yelling if they didn't move fast enough for him. So for him to suddenly announce a day off was very uncharacteristic of him.

He had a reason though. Goku needed to sleep. He'd gone a little knife happy the previous night, and needed a day to recuperate. It wasn't as though he was helping the boy. No. He was only helping himself. Because if Goku was caught then there would be no doubt that the trail would lead right back to him.

"All right Sanzo," Hakkai said, unable to hide the suspicion in his eyes as he turned back towards his breakfast. "If you wish."

Goku looked up at him through bleary eyes, giving him an eerie smile before returning to his food.

The day passed without much excitement. Goku retired back to their room and slept most of the day. Gojyo and Hakkai went out to explore the town on their day off, and Sanzo stayed behind, mostly reading the newspaper. Though he could not focus on it. Sanzo couldn't get over the suspicion in both Hakkai and Gojyo's eyes. They knew. Or at least, they were starting to suspect what was truly going on. It was later that day when Goku awoke. He exited the room, taking a seat across from Sanzo but not yet saying anything. Sanzo didn't pay him any mind.

"Hey," Goku said finally.

"What?"

"I was thinking," Goku muttered, turning his eyes down to study the intricate patterns in the wooden table. "I want to come with you."

Sanzo blinked, at first not making the connection. "What?"

"When you… kill yourself," Goku mumbled, turning his eyes back down towards the table. "I want to come with you."

Sanzo stared at the boy for a long time, trying to find any hint that he was lying. Finally, he frowned. "This isn't a decision to be taken lightly, idiot."

"I'm not takin' it lightly," he argued back. "I've been thinking. An' I don't want to keep livin' after your gone. I don't know what I'd do," slowly, the boy pulled his chair closer, eyes not leaving Sanzo for a second. "The earth can't live without the sun, after all."

Sanzo stared into those longing golden eyes for what felt like years, when in reality it was only a few seconds. After what felt like forever, he sighed, breaking away from his gaze.

"You can do whatever you want."

Goku grinned. "Thank you Sanzo!" the boy cheered, before getting up to meet Gojyo and Hakkai, who were just getting back. Sanzo stared at him for a long time, before breaking away and turning back to his paper.

---

The next week passed by easily. Goku continually shot him looks, and little smiles. It was as though he was enjoying their dirty little secret. After a while, Sanzo found himself returning these looks. Consciously or subconsciously he didn't know. A quirk of the eyebrows. A smile. Somehow the strange actions took him by surprise.

But Goku let on nothing to Gojyo at Hakkai. For someone who supposedly hated secrets, he was doing a very good job at keeping one. He was also a very good actor, Sanzo had to point out. He would smile and be cheery and argue with Gojyo as if nothing was going on. But during nights he would relish in their delicious delights. He was like a two-faced beast. It reminded him of Seiten Taisei. He shuddered at the thought.

It was one rainy evening that Sanzo was shut up alone in his room. He was staring out the window, the lights all shut off. He wished he knew why the rain had such an effect on him. But he just didn't know. The world made no sense to him, sometimes.

He could hear Goku talking with Hakkai outside his room. They must've gotten back from dinner. Sanzo had skipped. He didn't have the heart to eat anything.

He didn't even realize the door had opened until there was a small boyish scream. "Sanzo! What the hell are you doing?!"

He didn't even realize his gun was to his temple until Goku was attempting to rip it out of his hand. He didn't feel like resisting, and let the boy tear the gun from his grip. He stared, numbly, as the boy attempted to glare at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he yelled.

Sanzo thought for a moment, and then opened his mouth to reply, but found he couldn't think of one.

"You were going to do it without me, weren't you?" Goku hissed, his eyes misting over, before spilling tears. "Weren't you!?" With a start, Sanzo realized that Goku wasn't distraught over losing his suicide partner, but more distraught about losing his sun. It startled him speechless.

"I…"

"What Sanzo? What do you have to say this time?" he took a step back, glaring at the man and shaking his head. "You lied, Sanzo."

Sanzo could only stare, morbidly fascinated. He realized in horror that he could've stopped the events displaying before him, but didn't. He only watched as Goku placed the gun to his temple, and pulled the trigger.

Sanzo wanted to scream. Wanted to scream and cry and wish it wasn't happening. But as Goku's motionless body hit the ground, Sanzo could only stare, clutching the sides of the window in horror. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. Not like this. They were supposed to die together. Later. Not now. Not now…

He wasn't supposed to be here, staring at the blood pooling around the boy's body, splattered against the wall behind him. He was supposed to have died too. He could only numbly fall to the ground. He didn't even need to check to know that Goku was dead. A straight shot to the head with a banishing gun. Not even Goku could live through that. He could feel Goku's blood soaking into his robe, but he didn't care. He simply cradled the dead boy in his arms, rocking back and forth and pretending everything was okay.

When the hell did he become so attached?

Hakkai and Gojyo burst into the room. The second Gojyo caught sight of them, he cursed, turning away in horror. Hakkai could only stare. "Sanzo…" he breathed after a moment. "What… what happened?"

Sanzo turned horror-struck eyes up to meet Hakkai's. Then he cracked a smile, before an insane laughter welled up in his throat. Soon he was laughing loudly, both Hakkai and Gojyo staring at him in disbelief. "Goku just shot himself," Sanzo said, his eyes holding some deranged form of amusement.

In a single moment, Goku had stolen his sanity.

Taking the gun in his hand, he raised it to his temple. He heard Gojyo curse and Hakkai cry out, but before he could do anything, he pulled the trigger.

He was laughing all the way to Hell.


End file.
